Good Reasons But No Excuses
It’s been too long. And as my title implies, I have reasons but no excuses.
In January 2008 I got a new job — incredibly challenging. Six weeks later, my mother — who had always been healthy, strong and vibrant and who was 10 years younger than my father — was diagnosed with terminal, metastasized lung cancer. In the middle of this, I started questioning whether or not I wanted to stay in my then-relationship. (I guess the “then” gives away what my decision ultimately was.) My entire life was in upheaval and everything that was not necessary to move forward got put on hold — including the writing.
By March, I’d pretty much decided to leave the relationship but was putting off the actual exit until we could see what effect Mom’s chemo would have on her prognosis. In June, she had her last chemo and was doing so well we were all convinced it had worked wonders. False hope: it shrank the lung tumor but every other tumor grew in the meantime. However, during the time we thought it had worked well enough to make an actual difference in her timeline, two things happened: I told my ex I was leaving, and, that same week, I met face to face someone I had happened to meet online the week before — and knew as soon as I laid eyes on him that I was supposed to be with him forever.
She deteriorated quickly. She died on August 31. Four days before, on her last lucid night, she met the man I married four months to the day later (last Saturday, in fact), and he was with me when she died. I have not begun to assimilate her loss nor the joy my new husband brings me, but I am trying to look both of these huge changes in my life squarely in the eye and take whatever they have to offer.
I expect my next few posts may deal with how profound experience changes one’s writing. The loss of my mother was my first experience with the death of someone I was close to, and meeting and marrying Jon is easily the most profound and life-changing love experience I’ve ever known. I’m still a writer. But I am no longer the same person who last wrote here all those many months ago.
Greetings, seriouswriter. I had an incoming link from your blog in my administrative area of my blog and because I was taken by your blog title I wanted to check you out. When I got here and read your blog entry my heart leapt with a dreadful fear I haven’t only recently experienced myself. I went through a similar experience with my own mother recently and can honestly say I am feeling your pain and loss, as my husband’s closest family member passed away 2 weeks before your mother. I am still feeling her loss dreadfully. Mary Lynne was 81 years old and lived a very full life but we are never really ready/resigned for the loss of someone close and dearly loved. I wish I could say it’s easier now, but actually it isn’t; I’m finding there’s just more days between crying and tearing up. She spent several weeks with us at all holidays throughout the year and so thanksgiving and Christmas have been difficult for us.
My hope is that your heart is healing and there’s less days of crying and ruminating now that you’re going through another sea change, a happier, long-term change with your recent marriage. I pray you find and enjoy much love and happiness with your new husband.
For whatever it’s worth, at this very moment the sounds of Pachelbel’s Canon are weaving around in my head. I’ve always thought of this piece as “bittersweet”(..it’s a long and metaphysical story..:); it has a sad & melancholy
sound to it – but the plucking violins are, to me, the underpinnings of sweet hope that plays on the “silver chord” of our soul.
I wish you peace,
janetleigh